I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
