maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
