Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
