Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
