sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
