either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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