I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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