Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
