we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize