Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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