Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize