I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
