The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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