i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
