I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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