im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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