I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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