the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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