I will die if light touches me.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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