The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can I color on your dick again?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
