she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I will be naked everywhere
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
