Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
