please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
