Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
