i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
