My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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