I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
