If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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