My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Did I show you my penis last night?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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