He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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