why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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