He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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