one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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