Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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