U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize