Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize