i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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