you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Your penis caused this!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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