Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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