I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
