The maid of honor just puked.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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