summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
