i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
