She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
