My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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