Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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