Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize