Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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