Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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