i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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