ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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