You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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