Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think I won the penis lottery.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
