hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize