Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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