I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
