The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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