My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
