I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
3pm strippers are depressing
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
