Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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