The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize