i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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