It's like a parade of train wrecks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
