Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
