but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
