He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
